Cursed

Sometimes something can be so terrible that it becomes humorous. That's kinda how I view parts of my life right now.

I used to say I was trapped. But now I know that it's not just that. I'm cursed. Literally cursed.

Curses are rare. They are only cast so often. They are ancient and magical, so they are occasionally envied. But I don't enjoy being cursed. How or why I've been cursed, I have no idea. I could be a better person, I know. I could speak kinder, I could love my enemies better, I could be more respectful, I could be smarter, work harder, read my scriptures, I could be more honest, and I could be more obedient. There's a lot I could be doing. I could also lie more, yell more, cuss more, hurt more, give up more, disobey more, steal more, entertain a bad attitude more, and I could insult and gossip more. That is something I can choose. I can even choose to do nothing at all. Make no change, and stay as I am. Which is at present, "good enough."

Seems pretty basic.
But not if you're cursed. Just like anyone else, when I make a choice, it affects many people. The simplest choice I make will effect myself and anyone I know. The simplest words said, or movements made, could affect the thousands of grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren who will live after me. That is pretty motivating. At least for me. Yeah, yeah, we know that. Okay, but just because it makes sense logically, or because the right choices are so obvious per se, doesn't make them easy. It is still hard, and we still need the encouragement and recognition for doing the right thing.

There are sweet things in life.
Sweet, sweet, things, that nobody should miss out on. That I have often missed out on.

But back to my curse. As curses are rare, I can't explain all the details of it. But bad luck haunts me. I read the directions, I follow them word for word, but because I didn't feel a certain way while I was reading them, it comes out wrong. That is my curse. My curse deals with maybe. Lots of maybes. Yes is hardly ever yes for long. My curse lets me believe in something magical and then takes it away. My curse requires a good attitude as often as possible. My curse is not quite eternal, but I expect it to linger for three more years. My curse is the result of a flawed perception. My curse is inevitable. My curse is viciously polite. I hate my curse. But the only way to destroy it, is to love it.

And I can't.