It's not enough to say that I miss you.

Why think about what's real when the fantasy makes you smile more?
Why doubt, when you can pretend something is magical until it actually decides to be?
Why give up, when you'd be giving up the world?
Why let it end, when forever is real?
Why crash when it's not you driving?
Why lie, when it helps white overlap with black?
Why cry when ice cream exists?
Why not control your own life, even when it hurts?
Why not write, even when it feels like you can't capture the idea?
Why not sing, even when it sounds wrong?
Why not let live, even when it wants to die?
Why not pick flowers, even when life wilts?
Why not dance in the rain, even though you'll get wet?

Because I'm afraid.

Why be afraid, when there's an army behind you?
Why not try for some courage, even when they aren't there anymore?

You are a worthless teenager. Stop acting like one!

That was what I heard a grown woman tell her 14-year-old daughter in Highland, Utah. It tops anything else I've heard a parent tell their kid.

My first thought was, "What?!?"
My second thought was, "This is going in the book."
And my third thought was, "What?!?"

This is the kinda of thing that disturbs me deeply about teen/parent relationships. So classic. The perfect example to illustrate how teens become what they are told they are. That girl is now in a position where she can do nothing BUT be a worthless teenager. And every time she "acts" like one, she'll be reminded of what she IS. That makes me want to cry. I wish I could find her. I have a pretty good idea of what her face looks like, so if I see her around I'll probably know. She was pretty and you could just see the potential. And she probably just was in a bad mood and her mom in an even worse one, and that triggered the worthless comment. But NOW, that comment, if repeated, will trigger actual worthless behavior from the girl, and the mom will feel like a failure mom and wonder where she messed up. She'll think, "All I ever did was tell you to be good!" And she won't see that that is exactly the problem. I'm not saying that the girl is an angel. I'm just saying that she'll be less and less of an angel with that kind of wall to bounce off of.

Over and out.

Change-Taylor Swift

And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you?re getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change, can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win

We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

So we've been outnumbered, raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
We're getting stronger now from things they never found
They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared

You can walk away and say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this

'Cause these things will change, can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win

We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

Tonight we standed on our knees
To fight for what we worked for all these years
And the battle was long, it's the fight of our lives
Will we stand up champions tonight?

It was the night things changed, can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It's a revolution, throw your hands up, 'cause we never gave in

We'll sing hallelujah!
We sang hallelujah!
Hallelujah!

two-edged hope ;)

I've taken more quizzes on Facebook than should be humanly possible, and I can't find the will to tuck myself in for the night, so I figured I should release here. :) If I haven't mentioned it before, I am clinically insane. :) And loving every minute of it. I can hardly think straight. There are so many things to decide and consider and plan. Tricky things. Happy things. Lots of things. So that's probably why sleeping seems impossible. I worry about the next thing I'm gonna mess up. And who will hurt because of me. I know that's not a good way to think, but I'm so worried. I'm trying not to be, though. Haha, what's funny, is that one second I'll be crying and despairing, and the next I'll be laughing and singing. Like now I'm all happy again. :P I'm not used to being like this. I guess it all comes back to being insane. And loving it? Haha. Hm. I rely on reassurance these days. It kinda scares me. But I love it! (Haha, you see my problem?) Is this a mistake? Should I not love it? And if I can't help it...? Ahh. I start each day with a hope. :) I start each day with an ache. Before I go to bed I check to make sure a certain piece of black rubber is still around. And it's been so long, but it still makes me smile. Until the worry comes. The worry that I love. The worry that I could never live without. The worry that keeps me up at night. Perfect, meant to be, one of a kind. Nah. It's not like that. It's insanely perfect. The imperfections are the most perfect part of it all. :) I've discovered the most amazingly beautiful contradiction ever to be made. :) <3

If I tried to write how much you mean to me I wouldn't be able to find the words. But my heart could if I gave her a pen. She has so much to write for you. You're so good. You deserve the world. Haha, I'm crying again. :'P Bed looks just as uninviting, but right now it's the closest I can get to you. See you there.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RUTHIE! <3

The most beautiful, emotionally strong, ideal friend. Who is a rain-lover, muse-tender, and dream creator. Who has dimples and amazing hugs. Who stands up for her friends,
and who I truly admire and love, turns SIXTEEN today. That is something to celebrate. And so I am. With chocolate cupcakes, chocolate chip cookies, and mint chocolate chip ice cream. :P

Hugs foreverandeverandeverandever. :)

because it's true, Emily.

I'm confused. :/ There is so much influence out there. There are so many unique opinions and ideas. Recently, an old friend of mine sent me an email trying to convince me that I have let religion rule my life, unnecessarily. I have certain beliefs that she doesn't agree with at all. And that is really, really hard. It is way hard to keep her as a friend, especially now. She likes me but she thinks that the church takes away from my personality. They weren't kidding when they said life would be hard. Or that the influence of Satan would try to change our minds. It was so easy for me to try and brush off things that seem "unusual" or even crazy. It's so easy to get confused. My friend started saying how I grew up in the church so I know nothing else. But I know what else. I know what the world is, and I know what I would be in it. There are beautiful principles that I believe in. If she thinks that they interfere with my personality, than that makes me sad. But I do know that family is forever, that Heavenly Father watches and listens, that the scriptures are inspired, and I love it so much. I love all of it. It is so very very true, and it is the same no matter where I am in the world. I wanna scream out loud to my friend, Emily Dison, it IS true, and I could never deny it. Not for anything. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints makes me deeply happy. :) The goodness of it is infallible, and it is my life.

Falling Apart - Matt Nathanson

-shrug-