someone tell me to stop.

No, wait.
Please don't.





:)

take this sinking boat and point it home.

My flight back to Saipan takes off in 19 minutes. And it's gonna leave without me. :(
15 moves in 15 years.
It's almost a joke. A really not funny joke.

beautiful insanity

But everyone here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below,
That I'm missing you every time

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colors and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely hearing the best that I've heard

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally unafraid of my days without you.

July 27, 2009

Calling from an hour away this morning I heard my dad's voice say, "...we're moving to Cedar City..."
So I hung up on him.
It was shortly after I experienced the most unique and acute cruelty. It was then that I collapsed.

Ruthie is not the only one who will be celebrating her birthday alone this year.

the good and the bad and the things in between.

I catalogue these steps now,
decisive and intentioned.
Precise and patterned,
specifically to yours.

I'm talented at breathing,
especially exhaling,
so that my chest will
rise and fall with yours.

So throw me a rope to hold me in place,
show me a clock for counting my days down,
'cuz everything's easier when you're beside me.

don't close your eyes or this will fade away.

Okay, so I had this dream. I would call it a vivid dream, but that wouldn't do it justice. It felt so incredibly real that it took me until after breakfast to shake it off. This dream was horrible. But at the same time, the intensity of it was sickly enjoyable. I was a few years older in this dream, yet I was completely reliving experiences and mistakes I've already had and made. I was doing things I had already chosen not to do or say again. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was telling myself not to make the same mistakes, but it was inevitable. I watched myself be used, again. I felt myself allowing myself be controlled, again. So it was in that sense, a nightmare. I felt like there was no other alternative for my future. In the dream, I was trying to escape the situation, but I felt like if I did, there would be nothing else out there for me. So I had no options, except to willingly hurt myself. So I got paranoid. I imagined worse things to calm myself down. I tried to convince myself that it was beautiful, and no life could be better. It's still scary for me to think about now. These were such real feelings.

So am I doomed to this fate? Or it is a warning? Or was it just a stupid dream? :P

bouquet of clumsy words.

Please come and rescue me tonight.
Lie with me and just forget the world.
I wanna write your name in the sky.
Scattered around us are the memories waiting to be made.
Discover trust.
Race through the tough, float through the easy.
But first, wait.
Keep waiting without forgetting.
And remind me to look before I jump.
Or at least cushion my fall.

:)

i adore reassurance, i've decided.

Woah. I haven't has much time to breathe lately. Rushing and racing and all that. Mmm, life is so sweet. If you've ever gone berry picking, you know the feeling of eating strawberries right off the bush, or eating blueberries until your teeth turn blue. That's the kind of sweet I'm talking about. The kind of sweet that brushes by perfection on it's way to thrilling. That's life. That's life's sweetness. :) Sounds a bit too good to be true sometimes. But I always say it, and I always mean it. Lead on. This is working for me.