new pet butterflies.

Tear away my fall-back option.
Take away the safety net below me.
I'm taking my chances as I go,
because life is more than just survival.
Love is what sets me free,
now just a little faith is all I need.

I'm not good enough, because I'm too good.
I have a confession.

Cages or wings?

Why do we play with fire?
Why do we run our fingers through the flame?
Why do we leave our hand on the stove, although we know it'll cause some pain?
Why do we refuse to hang a light when the streets are dangerous?
Why does it take an accident before the truth gets through to us?

Why should we blaze a trail when the well-worn path seems safe and
so inviting?

Why do we stay with lovers who we know, down deep, just aren't right?
Why would we rather put ourselves through hell, than sleep alone at night?

Fear or love?
Don't say the answer.
Actions speak louder than words.

Snow with Roland.

i eat novels for breakfast

most important meal of the day. :P

Why?

Beyond the boundaries of your city's lights,
Stand the heroes waiting for your cries.
So many times you did not bring this on yourself,
When that moment finally comes,
I'll be there to help.

On that day when you need your brothers and sisters to care,
I'll be right here.
Citizen soldiers holding the light for the ones that we guide from the dark of despair.
Standing on guard for the ones that we sheltered,
We'll always be ready because we will always be there.

When there are people crying in the streets,
When they're starving for a meal to eat,
When they simply need a place to make their beds,
Right here underneath my wing,
You can rest your head.

On that day when you need your brothers and sisters to care,
I'll be right here!
Citizen soldiers holding the light for the ones that we guide from the dark of despair.
Standing on guard for the ones that we sheltered,
We'll always be ready because we will always be there...

There... there... there...

Hope and pray that you'll never need me,
But rest assured I will not let you down.
I'll walk beside you but you may not see me,
The strongest among you may not wear a crown.

guitar lessons

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

if I were a fruit I wouldn't be in season

boys.
beauty.
destructive.

Doesn't it seem like when guys find something absolutely beautiful,
they, with immense pleasure, proceed to destroy it in the most uncreative ways possible?

EH.
Irritation.

Confused without you.

Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you. Confused without you.

Nanonanonanonanonanonanonanonanonano.

i just can't sing it loud enough.
It's not enough to say that I miss you.

Nothing's enough.

I wrestled with my sheets, tossing and turning back and forth for a good four hours. I got up and paced my room, turned on the radio and cursed the night sky. The moon smiled back at me, mocking my attempts at anger. I needed him so bad. I needed his safe arms around me and then I’d fall right asleep.

~~~

I felt someone tugging me away from him. Pulling me upwards. “No!” My scream echoed through the valley but he ignored me. Or maybe he couldn’t hear me. His face blured, grew distant and then my eyes fluttered open. All I saw was the musty beige-to-white ceiling of my bedroom. There was a knock on my door. “Heather?”

the voice running through my head

"No, really, you have an amazing voice."

"No, really, you have an amazing voice."

"You should try. You'd do really good."
"You're such a good person, and all good people try out. ;)"

"No, really, you have an amazing voice."

Crocodiles

Mutilated,
shaking,
Could you be a little more perfect
for just a moment?

Unsuspecting, unpredictable, unfair.
But I was warned.
So there's no more laughing at that.

What will hurt more?

Hug O' War

I will not play at tug o' war

I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs

Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins
And everyone cuddles

And everyone wins.

-Shel Silverstein

Sweet denial

Snow. Rain season is gone along with it. I was getting all grouchy because of it. However, even though the wind is unbearable, the snow is only pretty for a millisecond, and the ice deadly, I have come to a delightful conclusion. I lived through it all, didn't I? I did. I keep telling myself, it wasn't that bad, you'll be okay. And then, today, worst day yet, I finally believed myself. Here's why. Obviously, today had to be the peak of winter, and therefore it should be slowly warming up and we're quickly hopping into spring. :)

The worst should be over.

What a relief.

*applause*

A- in Pre-Calculus!

YAY.

I am so happy. :D

even when your hope is gone.

I pray that we make it through,

make it through the fall,

make it through it all.

Cuz I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with you.

I beg of you, please.

Things are looking up. :)

But grrrz. What is my problem?

:S

Yeah, shut it. I know.

Just let me pretend like I don't know.

Kira's Big Discovery.

Kira: Do you like Twilight?

Me: Sure. It was a good book.

Kira: Do you like LOVE it?

Me: Uhh. I don't know.

Kira: I know what you mean. It's a little weird. Bella's odd.

Me: Well, you know how Mormons are...haha..

Kira: Bella's Mormon?!

Me: Lol! No.

Kira: EDWARD's Mormon?!?!

Me: Lol! No! The author's Mormon.

Kira: Oh really? No waaay..

Me: Yeah.

Kira: So that's what's with all the "forever" stuff.

Me: Of course. :P

it's so hard to forget

She put up a good nine-year-old fight.

I would've put up a harder one.

I could've made it hurt.

Why didn't it happen to me instead?

pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

I need a minuscule miracle. It really wouldn't take much at all. I just need it to work out without me ruining anything. I just need a little strength to keep me from backing out. Would it be too much to ask? Because I'm asking. I'll give all that I can, but I'm gonna need some help to give the rest. Nothing more. Nothing more than some help. Let anything else happen wrong. But not this. Help me be honest. Help me say it. Just let me say it. It's not huge. It's tiny. A minuscule miracle. So why is it so hard? Let it happen. Let me make it happen. I'll never forgive myself if I take the easy way out. Don't let me. Cuz you know I will without help. I will. Let me know if you'll be there. Don't let me down. I owe it to myself and to him too.

Be there.
I deserve a minuscule miracle, after all.

it takes two to whisper quietly

Here comes that feeling again. All I had to do was stand in the cold, wait for my ride, think of you. Time passing so incredibly slow. The stars mocked my obsessive intensity while I'm all alone. Laying on the grass is my Chemistry textbook, unfinished homework hanging in the back of my distracted mind. I lie down next to it and rub my freezing hands against each other. Curl up in a ball. Close my eyes. Send a mental text to my dad to hurry. My jacket's too thin. It's always too thin. School's too long. A month is too long. Three weeks is much much too long. I sit up trying to remember the lyrics to that song, so that I can relate it to us. I imagine the bushes move. I imagine a dark figure stepping from behind them and towards me. I smile at nothing and the stars begin mocking again. I shiver back into reality and forget what I was doing laying on the grass in the first place. The lyrics don't work even when I change them. I look over my shoulder at the vacated parking lot every so often wondering if anyone is laughing at my cracking voice, humming as soft as I can. But only the stars are laughing. For some reason lay back down and look right up at my mocker. And I stop singing. I start to cry. I cry as soft as I can manage. Silly, silly, silly. I stop myself before the stars notice. I put my hood on to protect my sensitive ears and

wait

wait

wait.

Wave at missionaries.

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth, turns slowly.

We need to get a piano!

As a child I found my strength,

from the people around me

who helped me build my foundation.

Guiding me, patiently.

Now I'm building my faith on my own

these walls feel heavy and harder to hold against strong winds

pushing on in from the world.

They say it's my life
I can do what I want with it
my life's in my hands.
I find every choice has a consequence, I don't understand,

it's my life.

Soon I craved freedom,

consumed by pride,

I faced temptations that lured me outside of my shelter.

Neglected, it fell to the ground.

Now I'm surrounded by piles of stone,
I can not rebuild this fortress alone, as I stumble.
Another wall crumbles down.

They say it's my life
I can do what I want with it
my life's in my hands.
I find every choice has a consequence, I don't understand,
it's my life.

Through the open air,

I was wandering and weak

while those walls were made,

to strengthen me, protecting me.

I thought I lost everything, I was wrong.

My foundation was there all along, and humble.

I kneel down and start again.

My Savior, picks up the pieces I can't.

It's my life,

I'll do what he wants me to.

My life's in his hands.

I know it takes work, but I'm willing to fight to further his plan,

through my life.

i woke up to

frost kissing the grass.

I walked to school

besweatered, bejacketed.
This was my attempt at protection. The sharp wind refused to acknowledge it.
I passed a group of football players wearing t-shirts.

I felt like I should hold onto my breath, the only warmth left.

and breathe sparingly.

The word: frigid. APPLIES.

The lipgloss in my pocket froze up in weird chunks
sure wished I could move my fingers
or maybe feel my toes.

I'm not so sure I like October in Cedar.

why

When it's nothing you can help.

When it's nothing you can stop.

When it's nothing fair.

When it's nothing you deserve.

When it's something you can't understand.

Then you feel like somehow it's your fault?

It's not that hard to see that a single day without you could make me go crazy.

http://www.purevolume.com/chasecoy

A lovely sound. :)
Check it.
<333

You'd walk me home, you say.

Could you be my answer
Could you tell me that I am
The perfect one for you
You’re the perfect one for me

Could you be too faithful
Could you show me anymore
It’s the perfect thing to do
It’s the perfect thing for me

On and on I see you
The life that comes together
To see that we’re forever
On and on I see you
The times we’ve spent together
The times that last forever

And now we will find our way
It’s the way that we’ll find this day
And I know you belong to me

checking Cedar's temperatures...:)

HOMEWORK.

Will it ever enddd?

It's aaaall about perspective.

I, Tori, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days.

Yeah.

Still lovin Seminary. <3

strength to stand out as an example of the believers. <3

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=7fcee975d2a2b010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0

the time is now. :)

So you think you've done it all
And you try so hard
And you try to find so many things tonight
And you thought that you might fall on your face

In time
It's not too late
You'll have your day
Don't be afraid 'cause you're not the same
You'll have your time to realize
And I'll be there right by your side
To see it all in time

It's not too late
You'll have your day
Don't be afraid 'cause you're not the same
You'll have your time to realize
And I'll be there right by your side

You think that someone's calling your name
Well isn't it time?
If you've thought that you might fall on your face
Then now is the time.

It's not too late
You'll have your day
Don't be afraid 'cause you're not the same
You'll have your time to realize
And I'll be there right by your side
By your side

-Number One Gun

Making April is 4 <3rz.

Some like being lost, some want to be found.

That's what makes the difference. And that's why nobody's perfect.

I love Seminary. :)

Stephanie Smith writes some darn good lyrics.

I don't look like girls in the magazines,
I'm not here to wear your shoes and make up.
I'm so tired of the make believe and all the energy
the illusion takes up.
Trying to fight for so long is enough to make you lose your mind
Free is the way I feel when I let it go
Baby it's easy to live it up and let the fear die,
I believe, I'm better than fiction/fantasy,
so boy you best step away from me,
if you can't handle the real thing.

You can't dress me up like a paper doll,
you can't fit my into your ping pom numbers
I'm multi-dimensional, and original of a million colors
And i won't deny it's time to let this truth into the light.

All I want to do,
is be myself.
Among the masquerading faces
I refuse to loose myself.

here we are now riding currents that taste of a new town

Hold on, is what I'm doing.
So strong, is what I'm feeling.
It's too much, too much.
Don't let go.
<3

everything I've heard, this time it's true.

Okay, I need serious help.

I'm insane.

I'm crying!

LOL.

And now I'm laughing.

So I'm crying while I'm laughing.

I'm worried about what I look like right now.

I'm extremely worried about what I'm forgetting to do right now.

Why am I crying?

Lol?

:)

the best day ever.

Hugs all around.

To my Saipan homies, especially.

And my Las Vegas-ish homies of course.

And to the girls who randomly started singing happy birthday to me at lunch.

And Cooper for remembering. Sorta. ;)

And Melanie for inviting me to the football game.

And for my birthday bear.

And my dairy queen gift card.

And AMAZING friends that celebrate with me even if they're not really with me. :)

Sixteen has finally, suddenly, beautifully, arrived.

I should mention that it rained while I walked home from school. :)

<3

Life is so good to me. :')

I love this poem. Favorite poem. Wish I had written it. :P

A True Poem
by Lloyd Schwartz

I'm working on a poem that's so true, I can't show it to anyone.
I could never show it to anyone.
Because it says exactly what I think, and what I think

scares me.
Sometimes it pleases me.
Usually it brings misery.
And this poem says exactly what I think.
What I think of myself, what I think of my friends, what I think about my lover.
Exactly.
Parts of it might please them, some of it might scare them.
Some of it might bring misery.
And I don't want to hurt them,

I don't want to hurt them.

I don't want to hurt anybody.

I want everyone to love me.
Still, I keep working on it.
Why?
Why do I keep working on it?
Nobody will ever see it.
Nobody will ever see it.
I keep working on it even though I can never show it to anybody.
I keep working on it even though someone might get hurt.

<3

Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16 ssssssiiiiiixxxxxxtttttteeeeeeeeeeennnnnn
Sixteen Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16 sssiiiixxxtttttteeeeeeeeeeennnnnn Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16

Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16 sssiiiixxxtttteeeeennn Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16 ssiiiixxxtttteeeeennn Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16 sssiiiixxxtttttteeeeeenn Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16 sssiiixxxtttttteeeeennn Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16 sssiiiixxxtttttteeeeeennn Sixteen SIXTEEN sssiiiixxxttteeeeennn SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16 sssiiixxxtttttteeeeeeennn Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16 ssiiiixxxtttteeeeennn Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16 siiiixxxtttteeeeeennn Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16

sssiiiixxxtttttteeeeeennn Sixteen SIXTEEN SiXtEeN sixteen sIxTeEn 16

the occurances in Chemistry class.

Random girl: "Are your eyelashes real?"
Me: "Um, yeah?"
Random girl: "Wow. They are really nice."
Me: "Oh. Thanks."

A few minutes later:

Random girl: "Hey eyelash girl, what was your name again?"
Me: "Oh, Tori.."
Random girl: "Kori?"
Me: "No, Ttttori."
Random girl: "Oh. Got it."

A few more minutes later:

Random girl: "Did you get the answer to number 4?"
Me: "Oh, no, I'm on number 2."
Random girl: "So slow? What, did your eyelashes getting in the way?"
-chuckles to herself-

Me: "Um.."

English Assignment: A story in six words.

He left,
I hurt,
you rescued.

if the passage of our stars align.

Sitting still as stone,
just watching.
People walking by you,
wondering why.
No one ever stops to talk or think about it,
What if God shuffled by?

One day we might see,
We're doing not a thing,
breathing just to breathe,
We need to find some reason.

But rushing around is what’s wrong with the world.
Don’t lose the dreams inside your head.
They’ll only be there til you’re dead,
so dream them now.

Lying on the roof,
counting the stars that fill the sky
You wonder if someone in the heavens is looking down.
There's so much space to believe.
Think I could fly?

Funny when you’re small
The moon follows the car
There’s nothing but what you see,
"Hey, the moon is chasing me"

I worry if I look away it'll be gone.

Walking through the woods,
the world has come to play.
With no cares in the world,
you'll be all mine just for a day.

You think you can, you think you can,
and sometimes that is the problem.
Dream instead. Dream.

But everyday should be a good day to die.
It won’t be too long now.
Every fire dies.
I find it hard to explain how I got here,
I think I can, I think I can...
Then again I will falter,
spinning on the wind I'll dream,
dream
dream

dream.

Storytime.

In 15-year-old Sunday School in the Cedar 5th Ward, our teacher is Brother Anderson and he is completely blind. So these two girls in my class were passing notes and thought they were being all sneaky. Ha! He said, "Heidi, would you please stop passing notes?" And the two girls like freaked out. He must have known they were because of his excellent hearing. :P Then later he asked a guy named Bradley a question about baptism for the dead and asked him how he thought the people recieving those blessings from us felt. Bradley lazily put a thumbs up sign in the air. Brother Anderson waited for him to answer. Bradley put his thumb up again, higher. Then you see his face go, "OHH!" and then he says, "Good." loudly. :P Brother Anderson said, "It's always good when you speak with your mouth when your teacher is someone who sees with his ears." ;) It's easy to forget that he is blind because he's so good at being blind. Weird as that sounds. His lessons are so uplifting, and you can feel his testimony behind it all. He always talks about that scripture, "and the blind man shall see." As you can imagine, that means a whole lot more coming from him than it would any other teacher.

but would they write a song for you?

There is a lot I need to do before I turn sixteen. And I just realized this now. :P First of all, I need to publish my book entitled, "Fifteen". :D :P The problem is, I am only nearly halfway done with it. Lol. So I'm gonna get writer's cramp if I try and finish it up in 14 days. :P There are other problems. Before I turn sixteen I need to make a million friends. A million is a rather big number, and therefore, cramming that into two weeks would be just as hard and harder than writers cramp. I need a million friends because Tikla is planning a party and it might be nice if it was more than just me and her there. Lol. Ahh. Life is good.

the tension we conspired was indiscreet.

Our house is beautiful. I have window shutters. My own bathroom.
And that's about it.
But at least I've got window shutters! Right? Right? :D
I've also got some AWESOME friends who love me almost as much as I love them, but they aren't living in Cedar City. I'm working on getting me some of those friend things here, but it's a hard standard to live up to.

So this is my new platform: I am going to be very happy about this move, and will try to be as cooperative as I can. However, it's is gonna be really really really really really really really really HARD.

Here goes nothing.

It's not enough to say that I miss you.

Why think about what's real when the fantasy makes you smile more?
Why doubt, when you can pretend something is magical until it actually decides to be?
Why give up, when you'd be giving up the world?
Why let it end, when forever is real?
Why crash when it's not you driving?
Why lie, when it helps white overlap with black?
Why cry when ice cream exists?
Why not control your own life, even when it hurts?
Why not write, even when it feels like you can't capture the idea?
Why not sing, even when it sounds wrong?
Why not let live, even when it wants to die?
Why not pick flowers, even when life wilts?
Why not dance in the rain, even though you'll get wet?

Because I'm afraid.

Why be afraid, when there's an army behind you?
Why not try for some courage, even when they aren't there anymore?

You are a worthless teenager. Stop acting like one!

That was what I heard a grown woman tell her 14-year-old daughter in Highland, Utah. It tops anything else I've heard a parent tell their kid.

My first thought was, "What?!?"
My second thought was, "This is going in the book."
And my third thought was, "What?!?"

This is the kinda of thing that disturbs me deeply about teen/parent relationships. So classic. The perfect example to illustrate how teens become what they are told they are. That girl is now in a position where she can do nothing BUT be a worthless teenager. And every time she "acts" like one, she'll be reminded of what she IS. That makes me want to cry. I wish I could find her. I have a pretty good idea of what her face looks like, so if I see her around I'll probably know. She was pretty and you could just see the potential. And she probably just was in a bad mood and her mom in an even worse one, and that triggered the worthless comment. But NOW, that comment, if repeated, will trigger actual worthless behavior from the girl, and the mom will feel like a failure mom and wonder where she messed up. She'll think, "All I ever did was tell you to be good!" And she won't see that that is exactly the problem. I'm not saying that the girl is an angel. I'm just saying that she'll be less and less of an angel with that kind of wall to bounce off of.

Over and out.

Change-Taylor Swift

And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you?re getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change, can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win

We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

So we've been outnumbered, raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
We're getting stronger now from things they never found
They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared

You can walk away and say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this

'Cause these things will change, can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win

We'll sing hallelujah!
We'll sing hallelujah! Oh

Tonight we standed on our knees
To fight for what we worked for all these years
And the battle was long, it's the fight of our lives
Will we stand up champions tonight?

It was the night things changed, can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It's a revolution, throw your hands up, 'cause we never gave in

We'll sing hallelujah!
We sang hallelujah!
Hallelujah!

two-edged hope ;)

I've taken more quizzes on Facebook than should be humanly possible, and I can't find the will to tuck myself in for the night, so I figured I should release here. :) If I haven't mentioned it before, I am clinically insane. :) And loving every minute of it. I can hardly think straight. There are so many things to decide and consider and plan. Tricky things. Happy things. Lots of things. So that's probably why sleeping seems impossible. I worry about the next thing I'm gonna mess up. And who will hurt because of me. I know that's not a good way to think, but I'm so worried. I'm trying not to be, though. Haha, what's funny, is that one second I'll be crying and despairing, and the next I'll be laughing and singing. Like now I'm all happy again. :P I'm not used to being like this. I guess it all comes back to being insane. And loving it? Haha. Hm. I rely on reassurance these days. It kinda scares me. But I love it! (Haha, you see my problem?) Is this a mistake? Should I not love it? And if I can't help it...? Ahh. I start each day with a hope. :) I start each day with an ache. Before I go to bed I check to make sure a certain piece of black rubber is still around. And it's been so long, but it still makes me smile. Until the worry comes. The worry that I love. The worry that I could never live without. The worry that keeps me up at night. Perfect, meant to be, one of a kind. Nah. It's not like that. It's insanely perfect. The imperfections are the most perfect part of it all. :) I've discovered the most amazingly beautiful contradiction ever to be made. :) <3

If I tried to write how much you mean to me I wouldn't be able to find the words. But my heart could if I gave her a pen. She has so much to write for you. You're so good. You deserve the world. Haha, I'm crying again. :'P Bed looks just as uninviting, but right now it's the closest I can get to you. See you there.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RUTHIE! <3

The most beautiful, emotionally strong, ideal friend. Who is a rain-lover, muse-tender, and dream creator. Who has dimples and amazing hugs. Who stands up for her friends,
and who I truly admire and love, turns SIXTEEN today. That is something to celebrate. And so I am. With chocolate cupcakes, chocolate chip cookies, and mint chocolate chip ice cream. :P

Hugs foreverandeverandeverandever. :)

because it's true, Emily.

I'm confused. :/ There is so much influence out there. There are so many unique opinions and ideas. Recently, an old friend of mine sent me an email trying to convince me that I have let religion rule my life, unnecessarily. I have certain beliefs that she doesn't agree with at all. And that is really, really hard. It is way hard to keep her as a friend, especially now. She likes me but she thinks that the church takes away from my personality. They weren't kidding when they said life would be hard. Or that the influence of Satan would try to change our minds. It was so easy for me to try and brush off things that seem "unusual" or even crazy. It's so easy to get confused. My friend started saying how I grew up in the church so I know nothing else. But I know what else. I know what the world is, and I know what I would be in it. There are beautiful principles that I believe in. If she thinks that they interfere with my personality, than that makes me sad. But I do know that family is forever, that Heavenly Father watches and listens, that the scriptures are inspired, and I love it so much. I love all of it. It is so very very true, and it is the same no matter where I am in the world. I wanna scream out loud to my friend, Emily Dison, it IS true, and I could never deny it. Not for anything. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints makes me deeply happy. :) The goodness of it is infallible, and it is my life.

Falling Apart - Matt Nathanson

-shrug-

someone tell me to stop.

No, wait.
Please don't.





:)

take this sinking boat and point it home.

My flight back to Saipan takes off in 19 minutes. And it's gonna leave without me. :(
15 moves in 15 years.
It's almost a joke. A really not funny joke.

beautiful insanity

But everyone here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below,
That I'm missing you every time

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colors and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely hearing the best that I've heard

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally unafraid of my days without you.

July 27, 2009

Calling from an hour away this morning I heard my dad's voice say, "...we're moving to Cedar City..."
So I hung up on him.
It was shortly after I experienced the most unique and acute cruelty. It was then that I collapsed.

Ruthie is not the only one who will be celebrating her birthday alone this year.

the good and the bad and the things in between.

I catalogue these steps now,
decisive and intentioned.
Precise and patterned,
specifically to yours.

I'm talented at breathing,
especially exhaling,
so that my chest will
rise and fall with yours.

So throw me a rope to hold me in place,
show me a clock for counting my days down,
'cuz everything's easier when you're beside me.

don't close your eyes or this will fade away.

Okay, so I had this dream. I would call it a vivid dream, but that wouldn't do it justice. It felt so incredibly real that it took me until after breakfast to shake it off. This dream was horrible. But at the same time, the intensity of it was sickly enjoyable. I was a few years older in this dream, yet I was completely reliving experiences and mistakes I've already had and made. I was doing things I had already chosen not to do or say again. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was telling myself not to make the same mistakes, but it was inevitable. I watched myself be used, again. I felt myself allowing myself be controlled, again. So it was in that sense, a nightmare. I felt like there was no other alternative for my future. In the dream, I was trying to escape the situation, but I felt like if I did, there would be nothing else out there for me. So I had no options, except to willingly hurt myself. So I got paranoid. I imagined worse things to calm myself down. I tried to convince myself that it was beautiful, and no life could be better. It's still scary for me to think about now. These were such real feelings.

So am I doomed to this fate? Or it is a warning? Or was it just a stupid dream? :P

bouquet of clumsy words.

Please come and rescue me tonight.
Lie with me and just forget the world.
I wanna write your name in the sky.
Scattered around us are the memories waiting to be made.
Discover trust.
Race through the tough, float through the easy.
But first, wait.
Keep waiting without forgetting.
And remind me to look before I jump.
Or at least cushion my fall.

:)

i adore reassurance, i've decided.

Woah. I haven't has much time to breathe lately. Rushing and racing and all that. Mmm, life is so sweet. If you've ever gone berry picking, you know the feeling of eating strawberries right off the bush, or eating blueberries until your teeth turn blue. That's the kind of sweet I'm talking about. The kind of sweet that brushes by perfection on it's way to thrilling. That's life. That's life's sweetness. :) Sounds a bit too good to be true sometimes. But I always say it, and I always mean it. Lead on. This is working for me.

awesomeeeeee remix.

Stop asking if I'm alright. Seriously, now.

Wish you could only see,
I got an I <3 ? written on the back of my hand.

how else could I put it? <3

I'll take this moment in time, and treasure every minute.
It may last. It might not.
But it's beautiful. :)

“If you were hit by a truck, and you were lying out there in that gutter, dyin', and you had time to sing ONE song, one song that would let God know what you felt about your time here on Earth. One song that would sum you up. That’s the type of song that truly saves people." -Walk the Line

Sometimes I need to stop. Just stop. Take a look around. Feel the years behind me. Anticipate the years ahead. Bask in the memories that took me higher than the sky and smudge out the memories that destroy my view of who I am. Sometimes I need to go. Just go. Get off the couch, get off the computer, and get into the magic of fresh cut flowers sweet rain and pages of words created with a pen. Perfection isn't impossible. It just takes a lot of looking for. Time is generous while it's selfish. If you can see it rushing towards you, catch it, and run closer. It's precious. :)

like clock-ridden hands i'd come around

I'm going crazy.
Who would've though it'd be so much fun! :D There are so many things I am confused about. And I'm realizing all of these choices that I'm going to have to be making sooner than I want to have to. I've got oodles of sticky notes filled with things I have to do just today. But hey, you know what? I'm fifteen. I'm not over the hill yet. :P I've got time. Precious time. I don't want it to pass me by. There's a brighter bright on the other side.

you were blind to me, now I'm blind to you

You left, so now when you come back again, you expect me to act the same.
I'm so glad I don't have to anymore. :)
Life is good to me.

i miss Ruthaaaaaaaaaaay. :/

like the rain, I have fallen for you

Nothing can compare.
Really.
Think about it.
Is there anything more rare?
Is there anything more sincere?
Is there anything happier?
Is there any place cozier?
Are there any words simpler?
Is there any taste sweeter?
Is there anyone luckier?

Nothing can compare.

you know that feeling when your smile just wants to fly off your face because it can't stand being so happy?

Yeah.
That's a pretty good feeling.
I would have to admit.
:D

John Bytheway said...

Don't let anyone look down on you because you're young.

Be that example. Be that ripple in the water. You never know what will happen.

Take the high ground.

Great minds talk about ideas.

"I'm small I know, but where ever I go the grass grows greener still"

Charity is:
<3 for Christ
<3 from Christ
<3 like Christ

Stand tall enough to see over the walls of the compartments we shove ourselves into.

If you are not one, you are not mine.

There is a light in your eyes. Keep your eyes bright. Stay righteous.

When you are weak, will your friends take you to Christ?

Are you a friend who will bring friends to Christ?

It takes one solitary light to guide a thousand ships at night.

Tithing, and missions. People can't believe we do them. They can't wrap their minds around that kind of faith.

Don't be embarrassed to be awesome. XD

We can do this.

Remember the power of friends. Choose friends who lift you.

Be an example of the believers. In word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, and in purity.

Early one morning, a few teens in Connecticut were headed to their Early-morning Seminary class and a police officer on patrol pulled them over because teens out while it is still dark seemed suspicious. He asked them, "Where are you headed?" When they replied, "Church." He laughed. The Youth said, "Come with us, and see." The cop followed them and sure enough, they went to Seminary. He sat through the lesson and came back the next day. :P

Yay for bright eyes. Yay for Seminary. Yay for John Bytheway.

quite safely dangling off the edge

Love lift me up,
I'd been flying solo.
Take me higher,
And love don't let up.
Cuz when all is said and done
We're just desire.
Can't you see?
You're the dream I'm sleeping for
You're the danger I adore
You're the pain I'm aching for

Keep me safe.
This is where I wanna be
To feel you crashing over me.
I wanna love you recklessly
until I don't need to dream.
Keep me safe.
Let heaven fall on me
There's nowhere else I wanna be
Your love is all I need
Let your heaven fall on me.

How did you know?
How'd you reach me
through these walls I've been climbing?
And now does it show?
Cuz I can see it on your face
When you're blinding me,
lighting me up.

And I finally see,
We've been falling like the rain
We've been dying to breathe again
Had to lose so we could win.

So keep me safe.

I wouldn't have liked this song a few years ago, because it's unrealistic. But now to me, it seems real and that's what makes me love it so bad.

just a number always counting down to a new start

What makes life worth living?
My first thought would be hot chocolate and new shoes. :)
But then if I prod a little deeper, I think of things like Ruthie Quiatchon. Clean houses. Pictures. Music. Love. Laughing. Feeling. Flying. Doing amazing stuff. :D

May I say? I love life. Sometimes it takes life being good to you for you to realize that you love it. But yay! I'm on top of the world. :)

I thought it was "everyone who didn't care about me enough"'s fault. I thought they were horrible to me. But now that I'm in control, those people don't even matter anymore. They are just missing out on knowing me. :D Because I love life, and I'm awesome. That wasn't ever good enough before, but now it is. :)

Someone tell me to stop.
No wait.
Please don't.

I'm silly. 8)

freeeeeeeeeeeeezing

Okay...not really. :P

you're the muse in my life, when you leave i'll die.

PACKPACKPACKPACKPACKPACKPACKPACK.
But eh.
I'm laaaaaazy.

:P

couldn't have planned it much better I swear

Never felt this way,
like I'm okay just the way I am.
It's a little too perfect.
But I'm still uncertain.
Here I go again.
If you take my heart,
you might break my heart,
but this time it might be worth it.

swing, swing, swing the spinning step

Come on stars, come on crossed fingers.
Come on every four leaf-clover there ever was.
Come smile on me.

Please?

RUTHAAAAAY

doesn't even have a modem right now.
has glasses super-glued in two places.
should be finishing her poem RIGHT NOW. ;p
bought me dinner last night. :D
is sleeping over soon.
makes fail cookies with me.
has dimples. :(
knows where to draw the line about which poptarts are worth it.
can act.
can sing.
can LEAP. Like awesomely.
wore high heels for like five hours straight last night.
is understanding.
makes me be good.
isn't coming to Prom! :'(
has talked on the phone with me for hours.
is moving to California. :'(
is AWESOME.
sometimes forgets that.
should try to remember it. Or else. :P
got Mrs. Wheat really mad at me. ;P
is good at helping guys change clothes. Lol! :D
can think up the most awesomest "telephone" phrases.
stops Roland when he gets talking on a random tangent that isn't going anywhere. :P
is usually right.
has a smile that could light up a room.
is my fall-back place.
writes.
is a ninja.
is going to be missed horribly.

there must be some kinda twist.

The other day at Pizza Hut, there was a guy with a t-shirt that said,
"I can't...I'm Morman."
For some reason, it really got to me.
Why? Because a more accurate shirt would say,
"I won't...I'm Mormon." Or "I don't...I'm Mormon."
Because Mormonism is all about free agency. All about choosing. All about looking at the big picture and deciding what to say yes to and what to say no to and having faith in those choices. I can do whatever I want. If not now, when I'm 18 I'll be able to do whatever I want. But there are a lot of things I WON'T do, and that's just because I'm SMART. :D

The End.

Someday,

it'll be just you and me,
and I'll create a world
with dancing bears and strawberries.
Where it rains every Thursday,
and minutes last for hours.
Where the night never ends,
and all the right words come out of my mouth.
And the air will smell like you,
the oceans taste like you.
Where you make me laugh and laugh and laugh,
til I can't stand it.
Where I am not the problem,
and every song sings your name.
Where the top of the world is ours
and that's all we need.

'cuz i wrote your name across my hand.

I feel like I could never be lonely,
except for when you’re not around.

Words don’t come,
My head’s swimming.
But I’ll keep swimming through this nonsense
Because it tastes so good.
Don’t know if I should.

Open me up. Hold me down. <3
I’ll stay with you.
I might’ve just stolen this scene from a song.
The world’s on fire. Hurry up and wait.
This is happening.
So empty your thoughts and open your heart to the bliss.
The rescue team can’t save me now I’m out too far.
I was caught in an awkward silence, broken down by the sound of your prelude that you played, to open our symphony.
You and I are one of a kind.
We are more than this world’s got to offer.
Walks a thin line between what is and what could be.
Getting closer to something I can’t understand
Dancing on the grave of something I thought was still alive.
Don’t give up on our almost love.
A beautiful unfolding of a love that will be.
Candy coated prison bars.
It keeps leaving me needing you.
It’s hard to believe I’m yours.
Worth it.
You’re my dream please come true.
Over thinking.
I wrote this letter in my head ‘cuz so many things were left unsaid.
Light up, light up, as if you have a choice.
So perfect is real.
I wonder if maybe, maybe, I could be all you ever dreamed, cuz you are.
Intense.

Sha la la la.

take a picture

Glittering lights,
led me nowhere.
But dimly lit trails,
bring me here.

Time how long it takes,
for a rose to bloom.
Nothing climbs faster
than time already wasted.

Evil is real.
but oh so destructible.
Sweet victory.

Fate knows what she's doing.

from when I wake in the morning and fall asleep each night

Today.
We don't have water.
I'm tired.
My knee hurts.
I didn't go to NMC.
BUT...
I learned something.

I learned that:
I am selfish. :(
I'm less stressed after I eat.
There's more life left to go.
I need to get a job.
My pride will be my downfall.
This earth is unappreciated.
There's half a chance in this moment.
Peanut butter is messy.
I'm out too far.
Forever sometimes ends. (And sometimes that's good.)

87.5%

Because I am barely breathing, my brain is beginning to bleed bad. But before I believe that my bunk bed will buckle under bundles of burning beats, I'll beg my brother to blame the blue barnacle that bet on beaver's bomb. Because B's freaking break the bounty of better girls well-being. Bi Bate Bou.

:'(

But you know what?

It's gonna be okay.

the outcome's still the same.

Math
Grades
Cold
Hot
Music
Love
Scared
Shadowed
Small
Write
Wrong
Time
Control
Loss
Hope
Heal
Release
Maybe

Free Fallin'

Mm. <3

but it wasn't like a magazine

You said,
"It's no curse."
You said,
"It'll be over soon."
You said,
"Hold out until then."
You say,
"This will end."
You lie.
You lied, lied, lied, lied.
It's still there.
It will still be there.
You'd miss it too much, wouldn't you?
You'd miss that power. It's all in your hands now, why loose it if you don't have to? Hold on to it. That sweet control. You know you want to.
It's what I'm used to.
It's what I'm used to.
Can't hurt me any more than it already has. So don't let that grate your conscience.

Funny to think about.
That I really can't escape you.
Green is blue.
Blue is green.
If you say so.
Because you said so.

6 times a year.
No. Just take it all away. Then you don't even have to deal with it.
Just say NO to everything. Then you don't have to make up reasons.
While you're at it, get rid of everything I'm looking forward to.
I might even learn a lesson from it.

Ah.

It's hard to be in love with
a perfectionist,
cuz you know with me,
things are never quite perfect.
Though I adore
every imperfection,
that he adorns
quite perfectly.

ssaaffeettyyssuuuiiittt. <3

Is this the end of the moment or just a beautiful unfolding of a love that will never be or maybe be.
And I wonder if maybe, maybe, I could be all you ever dreamed, cause you are.
I'd rather be anywhere but here without you.

I wanna be with you
I wanna see what you see, see what you see in me

If I could be with someone like you
Would you, would you be strong enough for me
Can you see me holding you right in my arms, right in my arms

Hold on.
You can stay one more hour, can you stay one more hour
You know I'm gonna find a way to let you have your way with me
You know I'm gonna find a time to catch your hand and make you stay
Hold on, Cause what's the point in chasing if I can't enjoy your face and
We can't be wrong tonight, can we be wrong tonight?

And if I was running, you'd be the one who I would be running to
And if I was crying, you would be lining the cloud that would pull me through
And if I was scared, then I would be glad to tell you and walk away
But I am not lying, I am just trying to find my way in to you

Hoping for a moment that I turn around and you'll be coming after me
Cause all that I can say is that it's obvious, it's obvious you're all I see
But I can't read you.

You tell me once, you tell me twice, you tell me three times more
Tell me everything I want to hear and nothing more
Cause you know I am on your side no matter what you do
With every consequence it's your defense on why it's mine.

From when I wake in the morning till I go and I fall asleep each night
I fight to hold onto a love that is inside.

There was a girl named Annie, she had a very pretty face
And not the way you think so let me see if I can try to explain it
She had a smile that could light up the room and if she moved it'd be moving in you
But she wasn't like a magazine, she was just plain Jane and her name was Annie

She never looked in the mirror, she never liked what she would see
And even if I tried to tell her, she never listened to a word I'd say
She always wanted what she never had, but never had what she needed so badly
Someone telling her she was fine and that's not right and it's why I'm saying

Annie don't be shy here, Annie don't just lie there, looks don't make the world go round but it comes around
Annie don't be shy here, Annie please don't cry here, I always have to stop myself
Cause you're beautiful

I didn't know if I could tell her, I didn't know if I could make her see
She didn't need to find her beauty, she didn't need to find a way to show me
They took her moments of feeling alive and made them moments of dying inside
She needed someone to scream her name, to take her pain and it's why I'm screaming

Cause you're beautiful.

And Annie you are the one sight my eyes never tire of, it's like I cannot get enough of you, and Annie you are the one song left in my symphony, like you were made for me.


What if it makes you laugh now but you cry as you fall asleep
And what if it takes your breath and you can't hardly breathe
And what if it makes the last sound be the very best sound
Cause you know that I'm always all for you

I think about love, and oh what a beautiful song
And oh how it need to be sung here sing it so loud all the world can hear

Sometimes the edge serves as more than a friend then you thought it would be
And the pages you write in your journal each night are your only release
And the mask you put on it's like words in a song but there's no more to be seen
And the failure you see, don't seem failures to me here at all

But there's no pain you feel that I know love can't heal here at all
Oh I just hope I can find you
And tell you that I know you'll smile again.

the one sight my eyes never tire of.

Save the day
Take this all away
Come on now
Say something to slow these hands down
Just cut off her arms
And infect the words
Can you hear me now?
Can't you hear me?
Save the day
Take this all away
Come on now
My hearts on the floor.

What am I waiting for?
I know what I'm waiting for.
Indecisive thoughts running this game,
Wash them away.
Slowly calling out your name,
Come save the day.
If we find what we're missing,
This space that needs filling is still embracing my neck
We'll hold up each other,
but look for another
To see if our words will connect.

I'll save the day.
Yeah, I'll be the one to save the day.
I'll save the day.

i wander through fiction to look for the truth burried beneath all the lies

Eh.
Sorry for being lame.
Thanks for being amazing.
Sorry for hiding.
Thanks for finding.
Sorry for forgetting.
Thanks for thinking.
Sorry for alkwsdfa;dkxfjs
Thanks for understanding.
Sorry...
Thanks.

hurry up and wait

http://www.myspace.com/allred

but it comes around

<3 ? :D ! ;) <3 :) :P :0 :D ! ;) :S :P ? <3

So there's this world, right?
Yeah...

And there's this song.
Mmm.

And there's this feeling.
:)

And there are homemade chocolate chip cookies...



Oh, and then there's you.
<3

:O

You caught me off-guard.
Now I'm running and screaming.

Cursed

Sometimes something can be so terrible that it becomes humorous. That's kinda how I view parts of my life right now.

I used to say I was trapped. But now I know that it's not just that. I'm cursed. Literally cursed.

Curses are rare. They are only cast so often. They are ancient and magical, so they are occasionally envied. But I don't enjoy being cursed. How or why I've been cursed, I have no idea. I could be a better person, I know. I could speak kinder, I could love my enemies better, I could be more respectful, I could be smarter, work harder, read my scriptures, I could be more honest, and I could be more obedient. There's a lot I could be doing. I could also lie more, yell more, cuss more, hurt more, give up more, disobey more, steal more, entertain a bad attitude more, and I could insult and gossip more. That is something I can choose. I can even choose to do nothing at all. Make no change, and stay as I am. Which is at present, "good enough."

Seems pretty basic.
But not if you're cursed. Just like anyone else, when I make a choice, it affects many people. The simplest choice I make will effect myself and anyone I know. The simplest words said, or movements made, could affect the thousands of grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren who will live after me. That is pretty motivating. At least for me. Yeah, yeah, we know that. Okay, but just because it makes sense logically, or because the right choices are so obvious per se, doesn't make them easy. It is still hard, and we still need the encouragement and recognition for doing the right thing.

There are sweet things in life.
Sweet, sweet, things, that nobody should miss out on. That I have often missed out on.

But back to my curse. As curses are rare, I can't explain all the details of it. But bad luck haunts me. I read the directions, I follow them word for word, but because I didn't feel a certain way while I was reading them, it comes out wrong. That is my curse. My curse deals with maybe. Lots of maybes. Yes is hardly ever yes for long. My curse lets me believe in something magical and then takes it away. My curse requires a good attitude as often as possible. My curse is not quite eternal, but I expect it to linger for three more years. My curse is the result of a flawed perception. My curse is inevitable. My curse is viciously polite. I hate my curse. But the only way to destroy it, is to love it.

And I can't.

Here.

And then there was a bang and everyone scattered.
Reflecting sketches of blue, creating wider azure skies.
The echos of sense long since faded.
Five pages later,
I know.

Haven't I always known?

this <3 won't stop laughing

Call me crazy, but right now I wouldn't mind drowning in a rainy whirlwind of flawless imperfection topped with strawberry cheesecake icecream, all the while floating precariously, rafting on a guitar through this white water with Safetysuit blasting in my ears.

Notes to self:

Step outside the box.
Address the situation.
Address everyone else's situation.
Be you.
Don't lie.
Don't lie.
Don't lie.
Budget.
Be sincere.
Do what you love.
Be you.
Be you.
Don't lie.
Don't lie.

laksjf;aiojdkfsg

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Grr. :'(

There.

There are my negative words for the day.

Mmm. Rain. :)

When I look at the stars I feel like myself.

The band that changed my life

And we're dreaming out loud.

5 more months.

;P

But who's counting?

You just can't help it, can you?

I'm posting this mostly for Tik. Haha.

Our internet connection at home is still being LAME.
So Skylar and I brought the laptop to IT&E to get it reconfigured and junk. There was this guy there who was eating peanuts. :P When the computer started up and he saw the picture on our desktop, the two of us had a very interesting exchange which I will recapitulate here:

The Dude: "Oh. Is that Fergie?"

LOL.

Me: "Uhhh, what?"

The Dude: "That's Fergie? You know, the singer?"

LOL.

Me: "No...That's my sister."


HAHAHAHAHA.
So that was funny. Austin will be marrying Fergie this summer. Lol.
Next time we bring the laptop in I'm going to put a picture of Jesse McCartney and then when he asks tell him it's my brother. Lol.




Oh. By the way, I really need some good luck today, so everyone cross your fingers for me.

Essays are all done. Yay! :D

Now there's just that flippin' final. Lol.

this is checkmate

At loss for words.
Memories too perfect
to describe.
Glances, expressions,
too quick to capture.
Friendships too tight
to forget.
Fate too mysterious
to control.
Nothing to say,
everything to feel.
Dreams too far
to remember.
Songs too beautiful
to ignore.
Hands so gentle
it burns.
Eyes so piercing
it reminds.
Souls so pure
it’s cleansing.
Peace in harmony
with envy.
Respect so real
it fortifies.
Hearts so selfless
it’s warming.
Petals so vibrant,
they echo.

speed up time

because I'm stuck in a beautiful tomorrow that I want to live today.

when life gives you lemons, relish every last morsel

I look at my torn feet and wonder,
is it worth it?
I see the stains on your shirt,
and the tears in mine and ask myself,
is it worth it?
I hear people laugh, wrapped up in their world,
cautiously I wonder,
is it worth it?
I watch them whisper and I'm
scared to explain,
that when I see you smile my eyes laugh,
when I watch you sparkle,
my mouth can't seem to say what
I know.

It is worth it.

Just like that last drip of ice cream left on your spoon is.
Just like that rain during math class was.
Just like that pressed flower from your 3rd grade love is.
Just like that out loud laughter you tried to prevent was.
Just like that mistake that perfected your ego is.
Just like that one moment was.

oh how it mocks me.

In Tori's world, or in the spectacular musical based on my life, (whichever comes first...:P), I will have quite a bit to say about the weather. When I want to be emo, the sky will cloud up and cast a shadow over all happiness. When I feel like skipping through meadows of wildflowers, rolling down grassy hills, and laughing until I cry, the sun will light up, the sky will clear, and grassy meadows will appear. :D When I want to rage, scream, curse, and blame, lightning and thunder will commence and the winds will storm along with me. When I feel dirty, the rain will come clean me. When I feel lonely, I'll catch a warm breeze. When I feel like flying, the wind will get going reeeal fast and....

Ahh, that'd be awesome. :)

these four just the same chords

There are reasons.
For everything?

Meh.

Little Starr

I am like a star shining brightly,
Smiling for the whole world to see.
I can do and say
Happy things each day,
For I know Heav’nly Father loves me.

Choices

Success.
You can't buy that feeling.
Patience.
You can't underestimate that virtue.
Refuge.
You can't create it.
Opinions.
You can't ignore them.
Emotions.
You can't destroy them.
Happiness.
You can't force someone to be.
Guilt.
You can't blame yourself for everything.
Pride.
You can't always be right.
Love.
You can't hate it.
Trust.
You can't trust it.

The Egg Hunt

All the wrongest reasons.
Yay. :P

fifteen and a half

Is there a way to please the world without getting tangled up yourself?
I didn't choose this.
Did I?
Styx, accept this appology now.
I am more sorry than I thought I would be.

and I miss you so bad

Is this a dream?
If it is,
please don't wake me from this high.
I've become comfortably numb
until you opened up my eyes
to what it's like
when everything's right.
I can't believe

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me

So, here we are
That's pretty far
When you think of where we've been
No going back
I'm fading out
All that has faded me within
You're by my side
Now everything's fine
I can't believe
You found me.

but it's so so real

Weird how time can fly by and yet how sickeningly slowly it can crawl.
Weird how frightening change is.
Weird how we despise our fears, yet allow them to linger.
Weird how it's the little things that shape us.
Weird how we cry when we're happy.
Weird how pride can interfere with trust.
Weird how breathing keeps us alive.
Weird how age determinds readiness.
Weird how 2+2 always equals 4.
Weird how we wait for the miracle that is in our power to perform.

Weird.

Guilty

I need an undo button for my life.
Everyone says you learn from mistakes, but they still happened, and that's hard.
Now even when I'm not doing anything wrong it feels yucky.
"Sorry" doesn't encompass the feeling.

:'(

My amazing pessimist ;)

Anywhere But Here- Safetysuit

Is this the end of the moment
or just a beautiful unfolding
Of a love that will never be
or maybe be

Everything that I never thought could happen
or ever come to pass and I wonder
If maybe,
maybe I could be all you ever dreamed,
cause you are

Beautiful inside, so lovely and I can't see why I'd do anything without you, you are
And when I'm not with you, I know that it's true
That I'd rather be anywhere but here without you

Is this a natural feeling
or is it just me bleeding
All my thoughts and dreams in hope that you will be with me or
Is this a moment to remember or just a cold day in December, I wonder
If maybe,
maybe I could be all you ever dreamed,
cause you are

Beautiful inside, so lovely and I can't see why I'd do anything without you, you are
And when I'm not with you, I know that it's true
That I'd rather be anywhere but here without you

Infinite possibility

can suck.
When it brings
eternal uncertainty, along with it.

Without fail, there's always something I mess up, and another barrier is enforced. Never stop to wonder how hard it is to do the things that I actually do right. Where is the reward in trying my best? Where is the motivation for trying, if every time I fail it's another slash in my freedom?
~
All of these dreams in my head keep spinning round,
I'm grabbing my paper and pencil to pin 'em down.
I'll sketch my world as a prettier place,
Draw myself with a smiley face,
And make this picture perfect.

But all of these lines on my page won't mean anything
Until I learn to erase the ones that I don't need.
I'm covering up the stupid mistakes
Starting over and over again,
To make this picture perfect.

I'll start with where I'm standing now
And begin shaping where I want to be
No one can tear my picture down
Because it's me.
And as long as I'm still proud
Of this self portrait I'm creating,
I'm doing fine.

Every now and again someone comes along,
They try to box me into a corner I've drawn.
But pushing the walls down and struggling free,
makes me strong so I can keep,
making this picture perfect.

No one to tell us no, or where to go

It's not perfect, but we're close.

It's not fear, it's timing. And towering barriers. And thoughts never thought. Both waiting for the right moment. Never finding it, and not knowing how to create it... .

Hm, I think I just nailed that. How awesome.


Haha...

There’s that charming face you wear so well

Was I wrong to take this bound?
Cuz I’m in love with what I found.

But you’re coy and you’re holding things back
And I know you but I can’t see through
These doors that you won’t let me in


~~

-Aproximately 8:27pm-

Tommy: Guess what happened at school today?!?!
Jake: What?!?
*Pause*
Tommy: NOTHING!
*Hysterical laughter from both.*

Sometimes I wonder whether certain select few organisms on Earth actually did come from Mars. I think that was confirmed tonight. It was the eating plain pizza pepper toppings that really solidified that confirmation. Or maybe it was the staring contest. I'm still not sure. :P

Time to spare

Tikla's engaged.
Engaged.
To be married.
At 19.
That's craaaazy.
I'm think I'm the only one who's not ready for this.
She seems to be. He seems to be. Mom seems to be.
I guess I'll have to be.

I love you Tikla.
(You temple stealer you...)
:P

Cute scaredy-cat

You gotta admit that's what you are.
A confident, cool, cute, awesome, always warm,
scaredy-cat.

;P

<3

I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far

Tori equals :D

We got bunnies.
I love them. :)
I got contacts.
I can see!
My room is messy.
I don't care.
My project is sloppy.
It's done.
I'm laughing.
I'm not supposed to be.
Skylar gets awesome punishments.
I'm angry.
My hymns are submitted.
Late again.
My phone is magical.
Yay!
I didn't write in my journal yesterday.
Weird.
I just ate a handful of chocolate chips.
Shh.

<3

Icecream for bliss

Rushing and racing and running in circles
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding chaotic
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

Save me
Somebody take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall

Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I falter again
Forgetting to breathe
I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere

All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Pass me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart

Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall

Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
I need you to slow me down
Slow me down
Slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe
Somebody please
Slow me down

Directionally challenged

Should I stay right here and leave it up to fate,
or take control?
Mmm, I just don't know.

Goodbye Shisha Dee!

Just because you'll kill me if I forgot.
WETNESS. XP
You're a chaser. Beleive it. Feel it.
<3 and miss you already.

With purpose

I should be writing my essay but I thought I'd post the result of a long uneventful day. We watched some clips from Camelot in my speech class, so I was bored and in a medieval mood. Haha...Not exactly sure where this came from.

Emerald and blazing,
time is running out.
As it bursts from every feeling,
a piercing cry is shout.

Green glimmered in his eyes,
as the battle raged on to torment.
With sword drawn he paused
preparing for the moment.

Twisting through the night air,
the familiar voice in agony.
His unbroken record was tearing
filling bright stars with ebony.

Fingers slip uncrossed.
Courage's arrival is late.
Hope, frightened, slowly slides away.
It's over.
Falling,
falling,
falling...but wait.

With a flash of light
and one swift stride,
his sword gave in
to the enemy's side.

Thrashing and wailing,
the enemy collapsed,
leaving a powerful silence.
A minute elapsed.

Guard kept up high,
focus still swerving,
his near-fatal victory, prompts
a dash to arms deserving

Soft eyes widen, filled,
shaded with a look of wonder,
staring back at the burning eyes
to intense for her to handle.

Breathing becomes difficult.
It's too much to see.
She looks away, before she believes
in fantasy amidst reality.

But not soon enough.

The keyhole on the door to happiness

I'm pretty sure that as long as you always have enough happiness to keep you sweet, enough trials to keep you strong, enough success to keep you eager, enough faith to give you courage, and enough determination to make each day worthwhile, you'll find what you're looking for.
But that's just my theory.

Tonight has something to do with getting wet. I'm not sure if that should scare me or not. Everyone will probably ditch anyway. Too bad. Trust takes time.
Ah well...

Looks like another day, slipping through my window shade.

Some things I've been musing recently::

Obsession=having no purpose
I think.
It makes sense to me because people who are obsessed often don't have a clear idea of who they are, and therefore lack a purpose.

There's always, always, always, tomorrow. And bad yesterdays disappear.

Memories aren't perfect, but a pen and paper can get close.

Life is fragile, life is mighty, life is ugly, life is beautiful. But mostly mighty and beautiful.

Landing isn't always necessary.

Improvement is not optional.

Music created this world.

Language is absolutely amazing.

Obsession in it's strongest form is frightening beyond belief.

Good often blinds while it enlightens.

Impossible is real.

8 months

So much goodness, unnoticed.
Rebuked even.
Constantly challenged.
What a twisted world we live in. Good is evil, and evil is good. Good is contrived and evil is expected. Even from someone like me, who has relatively good intentions most of the time. What motivation do we have then to be good? If we are expected to mess up, then where is there room for learning? They think they've got it all figured out. And maybe they do.

I miss you.

Psalms 118:9

But if you trust both, you'll keep enough hope to help it stay alive.

So I'll keep painting my nails purple, writing nonesense, and sleeping with a smile.

I'm still waiting for the painful landing.

:/

Trapped

Okay. So there are things in life that will make us happy and things that will make us sad. Some of the happy things will make us happy forever, and some of the happy things will only keep us happy for a limited amount of time. The same goes for the sad things in life. So what makes the difference? Where do you draw the line? When is it worth it?

And I have to go. Once again. Whatever.

I'll make every second count

because I miss you whenever you're not around.

........

radio
static
awaiting
chords
16
arrows
speed
song repotire
indecisive
hearts
forgiveness
perfection
possiblilties
forbidden
chase...neverending
passion for the truth
imagination
creativity
written language
guitar
upside down

LoL

There is never enough opportunity to elaborate on advanced physics. The End.

It rained.

What's the difference between flawless and perfect?
Flawless means without flaw.
Perfect means whole, complete, no error, exact, etc.

If something is flawless, does it necessarily mean it's perfect? Or what if something is perfect? Is it also flawless?

Aaaah.
Synonyms.
=P

Doremefasolatido!

I'm covered in eggs. =P

School starts up on Monday.
Meh.

Blue

Here goes nothing.
A beautiful nothing, it's worth something.
Cross your fingers, hold your breath, jump in head first.
Here I go. :)


How did this happen?