It's the voice that whispers my name, it's the kiss without any shame; something beautiful.

What an awesome break it's been! I have done nothing. Just smiled a lot. Like right now. There's this weird smile that I can't seem to get rid of. The more I think about it, the bigger it gets. I kind of like this smile. My heart is pretty happy right now. It was so awesome to hear from Skylar on Christmas! What an incredible spirit he has. I love him so much. His example is stellar and hearing his voice was scrumptious. ;) I can't wait to see Skylar again. I feel overwhelmed with the blessings I've been given. It's too much happiness to bear. :) I could thank my Heavenly Father all day and still never finish expressing how I feel. I love His presence in my life and appreciate all the little things that make up my ear-to-ear grin. :D I'm pretty sure this was the best Boxing Day/December 26th ever.

Mike's getting his cute little wisdom teeth out tomorrow.
Do you think he'll still be wiser than me?

;)

Night!

Love, love, love this book.

I am so in love with life right now!

Thought I'd spread the love with a few quotes from the best book ever written. Good eatin'. 

“Hush Hattie!" I said, intoxicated with my success. "I don't want to go to my room. Everyone must know I shan't marry the prince." I ran to the door to our street, opened it, and called out into the night, "I shan't marry the prince." I turned back into the hall and ran to Char and threw my arms about his neck. "I shan't marry you." I kissed his cheek. He was safe from me.”
― Gail Carson Levine, Ella Enchanted

"Would you favor me with a dance?" Over all the others I was his choice! I curtsied, and he took my hand. Our hands knew each other. Char looked at me, startled. "Have we met before, Lady?"

― Gail Carson Levine, Ella Enchanted

He put his hand on my waist, and my heart began to pound, a rougher rhythm than the music. I held my skirt. Our free hands met. His felt warm and comforting and unsettling and bewildering--all at once.

― Gail Carson Levine, Ella Enchanted

“Do you like to slide?" His voice was eager.
Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. "No, Majesty. I'm terrrified of heights."
Oh." His poite tone had returned.
....
I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction."
He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him.
Especially," I added, "as I've grown taller.”
― Gail Carson Levine, Ella Enchanted

My baby!

Sitting with Kronk.

Sitting on Kronk. :)

Every day is the start of something beautiful.

          “Faucet! Get help! Malissa is unwell!”
           My British accent resonated from the top story of the playhouse built with my daddy’s two strong hands. “Faucet”, or my little brother Reece, leapt in response for the umpteenth time. He ran around looking for doctors and medicines in the old-fashioned world we imagined in our humble backyard. Reece ran down the steep mountain of a hill, dug out of the middle of our yard. At the bottom of the dip was a fire pit dug out of the ground by my daddy’s two strong hands. The hill was perfect for sledding come winter and perfect for rolling down in the summer. Reece ran back up to the playhouse dodging the baby pine tree that went up barely past his six-year-old head. Panting from the lengthy journey, he bitterly explained that there were no doctors available at this time of night. The two of us honed our nursing skills and managed to care of the sickly stuffed doll all on our own.
            Several years later, I had the opportunity to revisit this most beloved childhood home. I felt bubbly and nostalgic as I pulled into the driveway of the familiar light brick house. There were a few things different already. The door had been repainted and the numbers were flashier. No one was home so I couldn’t look inside, but I didn’t really care about the interior anyway. I just wanted to see the backyard again. To roll down the steep hill and climb to the highest point of the lookout tower of the playhouse. I wanted to cut down the pine tree and decorate it for Christmas.
            I pushed the side gate open and heard a familiar creak. What I saw shocked me. It was as if someone had put my backyard in the dryer. Everything was smaller and less-grandeur than I had remembered. The “mountain” for sledding and rolling was more of a gradual decline in the lawn. The pond was mostly rocks with a puddle of water and the enormous playhouse was misshapen and not nearly as high as it had once been.  The pine tree, which I expected would be even taller by now, was even after the years, still much smaller than I remembered.
            I sat on the “front porch” of the playhouse and ran my hand along the rough wood crafted and lovingly built by my dad. I couldn’t help but silently cry as I remembered the magic and peace it had brought to my early years.

Remember Nerts? Here's an update:

We've played 12 games.

Andrew: 5

Tori: 7

Ha.

Let me riddle you a ditty...

I’m sitting where we talked last night

trying to capture the feelings I felt 

on paper

without tainting his light;

I’m not doing it justice.

His features illuminated by the dim light

of a fish tank.

I turn to his face, scrunched up,

and investigating 

just like a little boy I almost laugh

it's so adorable.

I try to let the emotions resurface

that I associate with the intense brown eyes,

the light pouring out of him,

The words, “because I care so much about you”

sealed with an adamant gaze.

In my humble opinion, the two most wonderful guys on this planet.

Immortal Daddy

To a child, a dad is a hero.

No one else's quite compares.

However, this view won't always last 

and if it does, it's rare.

Children grow and begin to see,

Dad is not all they believed him to be.

He becomes mortal, with flaws and fears

they've maybe now seen him shed a few tears.

And yet, I seemed to have skipped the stage

when dads are supposed to mold,

for mine has always been stronger than all!

My daddy could never be old.

His aging only increases my faith

in the things he's taught and endured;

his love for the gospel, Scythians, and birds

all experiences from which I've learned.

My fingernails dig into my hand,

when he arm-wrestles Skylar, or Reece

My daddy is immortal, I'm sure of it,

so I pray that he stays in one piece.

He will never fail! He will never die!

He will be our family's anchor and lead our battle cry!

I cry 

for all my weaknesses, 

the many times I've let him down

the times I've stayed in-the-box

and disgraced the name Brown.

Except for a humble, broken, heart 

I don't have much to offer.

How did one as proud as I 

deserve such a father?

I've grown to know, a Heavenly Father, 

who's glory will never cease to be.

He's left me with you for a while,

with great plans I can't yet see.

As life paces forward,

through trial and ease,

I strive to earn a place above,

with my eternal daddies.

Latest Obsession: Nerts

Exhibit A: 

Regular Rook cards. Smooth, unassuming, and coy. Pure speed and full enjoyment.

 

Exhibit B:  Castle Rook cards. Distracting, clingy, and ridiculous.

The score it 1-1.
 

Andrew Wilson, prepare to die.

NOT to do list:

Wake up and not shower, cram for a science test while meeting new people, providing them with a distasteful first impression.
Get stalked on the way to campus.
Forget to pack a lunch and then buy food at SUU. (Especially not taco salad or those Keebler cheese crackers.)
Start taking quizes at 11:45pm, and then hurry to push submit before midnight.
Keep your Harry Potter ringtone at full volume during Philosophy class.
Write two full short stories in one hour.
Study for Chemistry Exam 1 during Institute.
Wear your girl's camp hoodie to class.
Fall in rain puddles.
Get a headache.
Keep study areas chaotic.
Blog when you have so many other things you need to do.
Skip editing and just post.

Hey, I've got some new jeans on, and suddenly everything's fine.

So I've decided I'm going to finish the year at SUU and graduate with an Associate of Science degree.
Did you catch that? I made a decision.
*applause*

I've decided something else: It's okay to be sad every once in a while. The moment this was internalized, I got this brilliant little grin. :) Happiness isn't new jeans or curly hair, it's knowing that it's okay to be sad sometimes. Once I knew it's okay, the rebellious in me didn't want to be sad anymore. So I stopped that. Quickly turned it upside-down.

I just found out the other day that one of my poems has been selected to be showcased.
No big deal.

Wuuuuuuu! :)

Looking forward to the weekend.

Creative Writing 2020

09/21/11

Timing

Sauntering down a twisted marble staircase,
cracking with overuse,
he comes closer.
Words are tumbling out of my mouth;
rehearsed
sketches of what is to come
or what will soon dissolve?

A picnic blanket is laid,
he brings sincerity and peace.
Napkins stained from the red around our mouth
are proof that
love requires no jealousy or spectators eye, with him
are the happiest days of my life.

Surveying the area
taking in a breath and sense of wholeness,
there’s a touch of longing
a concealed plea for one who will soon be displaced.

A broken promise now seen as
a promise misunderstood.
Been there for me in the way he thought
I wanted him to be.
And though I couldn’t see it then,
in the best way he ever could be.

As I learn to let go, if only temporarily,
he’s taught me something.
Honest affection isn’t crimson glasses;
there’s a deepness
a devouring desire to be selfless.

Love can envelop and mature
without constant contact.
Continual greeting and communication
instead, seasoned with earnest prayers.
Instead of waiting for him,
I discover myself.

writewritewriterightwritewrite

Creative Writing 2020
09-14-2011

“There’s an explanation for everything, even the need to explain.”

Why is there unknown?
Like a fortune cookie must break
before it’s prophetic,
and often it breaks our own backs
we admit what we haven’t given enough of
ourselves, to reach our desired state of being
sheepishly
we decide that maybe that’s all we wanted
from the start.

Do we need an explanation?
Or do we revel in the fact
that no one can give us one?
We quench our thirst
with unexplainable disruptions
can’t stand to see too still a body of water
or too perfect a face.

The wind tickles the grass--
or does the grass tickle the wind?

Dirty feet with half polished nails,
hair flying in chaotic coils,
inadvertently tangling itself.
When the sun’s warmth is not enough
one small thing can ruin a day.

I remember you telling me how I had made you
beam for a full minute,
unconscious of your pause.
I grasp the memory of the journal entry
you recited
and push away all the stolen cars and poisonous plants,
leaving nothing but a smile stretched
so uncontrollably wide
that it stretches
from fingertip
to fingertip,
encompassing all I am.

It's that time of year again

Time to lament the shedding of an age that I can never return to. :)
Hello eighteen! Can I believe that you're coming?
I feel ancient; like a withering branch with a wrinkly forehead and decrepit knees.

Honestly I'm getting pretty sentimental about leaving seventeen behind. As I look back on this year, I am so grateful for all of the wonderful things that happened.

-Dorothy
-Homecoming with Ethan
-Being a part of Madrigals
-Meeting and falling in love with the cream of the crop at CHS
-Sweethearts
-Bus trips
-Harvey
-Grads
-Grad Night
-Family Conference in Oregon
-Talks with mom
-Girl's nights with Murph, Jago, and Slim
-Harry Potter 7 part 2 and the celebrations associated with it
-My BBT
-Skylar's letters from his mish
-Tikla and Austin's boat trip visit
-A Mike-filled summer

Mike is the most amazing living being. I’m so grateful for his influence in my life and the experiences he’s had that have brought him to me. My heart is full. I can hardly construct sentences to express myself. The feeling I have when I'm around Mike encompasses the spiritual and the romantic. How can so much wisdom and light exist in one man? I want so much to be as good as I can possibly be. Maybe then I can deserve the arms of Michael John Snow. His testimony strengthens mine every time we talk. He is as good as it gets.

As we sat the other day at Costa Vida, talking, he started laughing out loud, harder than should be humanly possible, ;) I recorded the sound in my mind. I wanted to cry, remembering that he'll be gone soon. But at the same time, I'm eager for him to go because I'm excited for all the experiences he'll have! Besides, I know that even if we don't end up together, he, along with his laugh, will have been a part of my life. :)

"You know, we're not married..."

"We're NOT?!?"

So, I guess, Happy almost Birthday to me. :)
A celebration of an age reached and for once in my life, I feel it. Inside and out.

Name them one by one. =)

I got 16/20 on my first Chemistry quiz because I got too cocky.
Let this be a lesson to me! :) Next time, I'll spend more time and focus on the problems. Hopefully I can be more organized, generally.
Yay for running into Hyrum on campus! :)
Yay for running into Mike and Bentley at the play with Murph yesterday!
Creative Writing tonight!
Possibly the play again tonight!
My yucky Honey Bunches of Oats feeling in my stomach is gone!
Yay for good friends and music!
Yay for seeing Tikla, Austin, and blueberry this weekend!
Skylar's sweet email to me!
The video that Elisa posted on Facebook!
The feeling in the institute building!
The guy passing out candy in the Student Center!
Seeing Uncle JJ and getting into my UNIV 1000 textbook!
Brownies!
Self-confidence!
Mike's smile and affection!
My wonderful family and the good choices they're making!
Dad's job!
I don't have an ear ache!
Yay for the SUU campus!
Converstations with mom!
The inspiration for my book in the form of chapter ideas!
Manageable classes and a desire to learn!

A deep love for the gospel. :)

Merry Christmas, Owen

Sometimes I wonder what the juice box is going on.

There's a seat here for you, if you want. =)

It's been a jelly-filled year. Sticky and sweet.
And before I know it, I'll have eaten the last bite and licked my fingers clean.
Where did it go? I couldn't have really eaten all of that already.
The future is a blurry windshield and dull headlights. I strain my eyes but all I see is a few inches in front of me. I trust. I learn. Buy another color of nail polish. Pay another fee. Apply for another scholarship. Mend another friendship. Sing a new song. I pray.

All those years of begging to be older have finally paid off. Right when I don't want to get any older. Oh the irony. :)

Harry Potter Wedding.

If that doesn't sound like a party, then you don't know what you're talking about.

That is party.
Danny and Ethan both agree to marry me under those circumstances. Brad is still thinking about it. You're all invited. I am a little bit obsessed with this idea. :D

I wonder if no one notices

when I go to my locker, pull out a notebook, wait around a while and eventually put it back in?
I almost hope that someone does, because I'll bet it's pretty ridiculous to observe. Almost as absurd as you trying to not look like you're waiting in the crowded hallway. Turned around, hesitant at first, your words rinsed, chopped, and tossed together. There is no superficial, at least, none that's working. I see you, you see me. We're on the same page. We don't want sunsets or romance or exclusivity. You keep your left socks separate from your right ones; you never pair off. Brilliant. There's nothing striking in your eyes, and there are no sparks from your hands which have rarely touched mine. What is striking is the conversation we create while everyone around is listening in the hall where I pretend to need a notebook.

turquoise striped throne

Haha. :)
I win.

Give, give, give, until there's nothing left.

What did I do to deserve my exceptional parents? :) And my genuine, beautiful siblings? All my understanding friends? I feel happy today knowing that there are such good people in my life. Incredibly lucky. Life is so beautiful! I love my life, most of all: the people in it! I heard this quote recently, "A place is as good as the people in it." I love that because it is so true. Everywhere I've been, it's the people I miss most.

Why me?
Why am I the lucky one?
:)

So he said, What's the problem baby?

I don't know, well maybe I'm in love.

So I said, "I'm a snowball running"
Running down into the spring
That's coming all this love melting under
Blue skies belting out sunlight,
shimmering love.

and how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

I'm about to say something I've said many times before.
Everyone I talk to says you’re trouble. But none of them have given me a good enough reason to believe it’s true. I’m getting that feeling. That feeling you get as the ride is rolling up, up, up. Anticipation. Excitement. But also fear. The ride is always too short. So you almost don’t want it to start. But of course you would die if it never did. I thought I knew what love was, but now it scares me entirely. I’ve been exposed so utterly ignorant.

Hey, Tori. :)

Is it possible to be that adorable?

What is Poetry?

Words are like peanut butter; without milk they’re too sticky. Poetry is like milk. When your lips are cracking and your mouth is so dry it feels like cotton, that’s poetry. Even though you get a milky coating all in your mouth, it gives you something to think about, something to remember after the actual experience. Leaving you refreshed and nostalgic. Poetry is a whispered pleading to someone who’ll listen, with the hope they won’t fully understand what you’re trying to express. It’s like a fragment of the writer’s soul is in a floating water lily, just out of reach, daring you to lean over and risk falling in the water. Poetry is the soaked feeling of your formal gown against you as you pull up on to the muddy shore with the water lily dangling off of heel of your shoe. Poetry is when words aren’t enough to explain how you feel, but you allow them to try. Poetry is when all things constraining become the tools necessary to rise above.

It's been my experience that

turning in a poetry portfolio is like wrapping your soul in saran wrap and putting it in the microwave for a few seconds and then gingerly handing it to someone you see three times a week with a misshapen bow on top, trusting that they'll take care.

I am his stone.

If his mashed potatoes taste better at my table then maybe he'll stay.

Yeah, you love his voice. How could you not? This whole circle of girls should know that I hear that beautiful voice every other day.
Sometimes, right next to me.
Every once in a while, arm-in-arm down halls and auditoriums. And you know what?
It never gets old.
In fact, it gets better every time. His voice could sculpt the roughest stone. After February 12th, he's all yours. Until then, I hope you can let me enjoy him in peace.

Everyone I talk to says he's trouble.
I guess I like trouble.

He put three exclamation marks with three hearts dotting each one.
That has got to mean something.
What guy unconsciously draws hearts?

Just sayin.

I am
t
w
i
t
e
r
p
a
t
e
d.

New Blue Moon

I did it. Can you believe this? :)
That was definitely not in my zomfort cone.
I'm running away from my shadow, out of all these shades of blue, into a fiery red.

You light the fire that I burn in.

I know now, you're just in the way of me and my dream come true.

Why do you scare me so badly? I can't even stand in the same hall with you. These new kicks aren't helping anything. You make me crazy. Can't even stand it. I've made up my mind. Almost. I don't know what to do. You frighten me so incredibly. I hate it. I wish I could forget about it. But I can't.

I just need to breathe. Just breathe.

Where are you?
I'm a little kid lost at the zoo. Held the wrong hand for too long. Looked up and realized I wasn't where I wanted to be.